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I am existential and full of shit.
No matter how much I try to pretend it's not true, I'm still destructive. I'm still looking for ways to slowly kill myself, or die trying.
I wonder what would fix me. What I'm missing. What would make me happy. What's stopping me from throwing my entire life in the bin right now?
For the past 2 months - hell, the past 2 years - I've been operating under a kind of brain fog. I want it to go away. I want to have clarity and understanding and intelligence back. I feel like I'm in a coma that I can't crawl out of. Have I always been like this? I can't recall anything earlier.
I think I was a better person with better convictions, but maybe I was just naive.
I wish I could wake up and it be February already. I hate my life. Can I please have a new one?
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