Hey there, not-so-handsome

I have a confession to make. I have a penchant for ugly boys.

It all started back in 2002, when I developed this odd facination with this guy in my International Marketing tutorial. He looked like Gene Wilder crossed with a basset hound. For reference:

X

None of the "cute" or "okay" characteristics of the above 2 pictures went into said boy. He was just plain ugly. He also had this giant mousy ginger afro of loose, sad curls. He worked at the Woolworths in downtown Bathurst and I remember the first time I saw him there I had to duck behind an isle to hide my laughter at his little cap perched atop his mighty 'do.

The odd thing was that regardless of how many attempts I made at flirting with him, he just ignored me. As our classes were always on a Friday morning after bar night, I'd usually still be drunk and acting like a total fool, to the result of everyone in the tute having a laugh - except him. Once when I was at the uni bar I gathered up all my gusto and went up to him, and he just stared into space, his face unmoving and unamused. However, he only ever had one facial expression, so I'm not sure if that indicates anything.

Anyway, after semester ended I never saw him again which was a godsend. It's one thing to have a gross obsession with a person who is ugly by your own standards, it's another to still like them when they clearly are not interested in you.

Which brings me to my next confession.

This one unnerves me a little. I'm even afraid of saying names in case someone types it into google and unearths my dirty little capsule of secrets.

I am in love with a wigga.

But not just any wigga. It's Eso, from Bliss n Eso. Another reference:

The thing is, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY. I think the infatuation seeded when I was watching Words From the City extras. There's a scene where Eso and DJ Izm are sitting in their car in Shepparton smoking weed, and some drunk old dude staggers past. Eso breaks out into a random story that goes something like:

"Damien, Old Damo. Lived by the dam. Built the swing for the kids, everybody loved him... Then he got shabby. Robbed a bank in Wallangurra."

What can I say, it made me laugh. Since then I've developed this sick facination with google imaging his name, watching the band's video clips. Every now and then he lets slip a smile which is really charming.

But at the same time, there's all these things I find repulsive. Like the music, the not-so-good freestyling, the need to wear sunglasses all the time, the American dresswear (I like my Australian hip hop really... Australian), and the fact that they act all hard when they're from MOSMAN (seriously???).

I kind of want to wrestle him into bed, tell him to shut the fuck up and then screw his brains out. It's so so so wrong. So wrong that I have to share it with the internet, where all wrong things belong. Maybe I should make it into a website, where various unattractive boys send me their photo and I give them a rating out of 10 on how likely I am to stalk them. This just might be a very good idea.