Adelaide is shithouse.

I take that back. Adelaide the town isn't shithouse, but my trip there was. Oh it was painful. Blow by blow account.

Thursday 25th
Leaving day. We were meant to leave home at 11am to drive to my grandmother's, dump the car and taxi it to the airport in time for check-in. I packed the night before. My dad decides he doesn't need to pack until 10am THE DAY WE'RE LEAVING. My mum is being hysterical as usual.

We leave half an hour late and she drives like a fucking maniac to my grandmothers. She almost swerves off the road about 7 times. I can see where my brother gets his bad driving from.

Arrive at my grandmother's, get a taxi bus to the airport. I sit at the back which mysteriously wreaks of fish. I hope it isn't vagina residue left in the taxi. Oh please god no.

Get to the airport, attempt to check-in, and that's when my mum gets really annoying. My dad, brother and I have e-tickets. my mum and my grandmother have normal tickets. My brother processes the e-tickets and the entire time my mum just stands there. When it comes to checking in the baggage my mum suddenly realises that HELLO! she and my grandmother still haven't gotten their tickets. Mayhem ensues (I should probably point out that my grandmother is old and can't speak English).

After checking in, my mum grabs my grandmother and runs to THE OTHER SIDE OF THE AIRPORT thinking that's where our terminal is. If she looked at the signs she would have realised our terminal was right near the check in desk. Fuck.

She also talked all through the plane ride, which drove me nuts. Being the little claustrophobic nutter I am the plane ride was already making me agitated.

Arrive in Adelaide, get lovely hire car, get lost, more screaming from my mum, check into lovely hotel as paid for by my uncle (!!!), and have family dinner where my mum REFUSES to tell my brother and me what's happening with the wedding plans the next day. Fucking hell.


Friday 26th
Wedding day. Also Australia Day. I read about the BDO crap happening in Sydney and I get angry and sad. Sangry? Watch the parade down King William St, see guys on penny farthings and little girls in german dresses doing traditional dances. It's cute. Wander down Rundle St with my brother, pretty much everything is closed.

As I'm getting ready for the wedding two things come to my attention:
1. My dress which I got madly taken out on Wednesday turns out to be a botched job. What the fuck seriously. The chiffon around the body is looser than the satin underneath, making me look like a sack of shit. Nobody go to Sew Special. They are crap.
2. I GOT MY PERIOD. WHAT THE FUCK. I'm on the pill and was 2 weeks through my cycle. How the HELL did I start bleeding?!?!?!?

So I have to run down to the only open convenience store in my wedding garb to buy shitty Libra tampons. I come back sweaty with slightly melted makeup.

The wedding was nice and quick. The reception was okay, except for the wine which was making me nauseous. I only ended up drinking 2 glasses the entire night, and then 10 mins before the end my brother points out that there was a FUCKING OPEN BAR HE HAD FAILED TO TELL ME ABOUT BUT HAD BEEN VISITING ALL NIGHT.

There was also an afterparty which I was invited to but my mum told me not to go because she's a bitch. I was in a foul mood anyway because of the wine and the open bar so I went home. My brother said he'd be right behind us, only he turned off his phone and went out anyway.

Then my parents blamed ME for not knowing where he is. Like I'm his mother. No wait, she's the bitch staying in the next room.

Saturday 27th
CK day. This is the day i put aside to meet up with the very famous CK. My family are going off to do family things with other family members staying in Adelaide. That's fine. I tell my mum to call me when she gets back to the hotel so I know when to come home so i can still do things with them.

I end up staying with CK til about 7pm, only to come back and find that my family have come back, gone to Haigh's then gone out to a massive family dinner WITHOUT TELLING ME.

So I sat in the hotel room and had a wagon wheel and can of Pepsi for dinner. Thanks mum, I'm your only daughter but obviously I'm easy to forget.

So to destress I go for a long swim, then a sit in the spa, and then a two minute jaunt in the sauna before I get freaked out about the idea of getting locked in the sauna like in a James Bond film.

Sit in the hotel bar downstairs and drink long island iced tea to avoid falling asleep. CK comes round and we tour the night life of Adelaide. We see some homies get into a fight where they kick each other in the balls. I wonder if they think they're the Hilltop Hoods?

Sunday 28th
Leaving day. Have a MASSIVE fight with my mum in the morning. AND THIS IS RICH. SHE gets the shits with ME for not coming to dinner the night before, even though SHE was meant to FUCKING CALL ME. And then she tells me I'm lying about something the microwave is doing and tells me I'm the worst child ever. Yeah sure, i could be like her workmates son, who beats his mother, steals cars and is completely brain fucked from marijuana, but no. Obviously me expecting her to do something she said she would makes me BAD BAD BAD.

ARHGHGHGHGGHGHGH sometimes I just want to squeeze her neck til her fucking head pops off.

Finally get back to Sydney (my mum and grandmother are back in Adelaide for another week) and I am so glad to be back. Apart from never wanting to travel with my mother EVER again, I also realise that I miss Sydney's ugliness and "multicultural litter". Adelaide is so... planned and perfect architecturally, with all it's flat ground and square blocks. I like Sydney because it's trashy and haphazard and you never know what to expect. I love you ugly city of mine! *makes out with homeless man*

And yes there will be photos coming soon.