Introspection

Do not fear readers: I have made it out of hangover hell safely. No vomits or anything. And unlike my usual hangover days, I actually feel quite happy and at peace with the world.

I've come to recognise that I am actually happy with my life. I have no idea where the fuck its going but right now I feel good. Somewhere in my permanent drunken brain I am disconnected from the people around me, dancing around like I'm alone in my bedroom and completely unaware of my usual awkwardness, insulting comments or hurting other people's feelings.

Somewhere I gave up trying to fit in anywhere and now I have finally found my place in the world.

I feel loose. Relaxed. Serene. I feel languid and young and calm. The only desires in my heart are to sit out in the sun and go swimming in the ocean with my boyfriend. Arms wrapped around his neck, his arms around me, smelling of sunscreen and salt water.

I tore my new favourite Target dress jumping onto my bed. I suppose that's what you get for $30! I couldn't really care though. I will do the dodgiest job of fixing it and I know I will hate it but it doesn't seem that important. For the first time in a long time I am not self-hating. My psyschologist would be very proud.

And now I will sit outside and read pages from my philosophy book. I will think of things I need to do and probably not do them. I will gorge myself on profiteroles and lasagne and watch Family Guy DVDs.

I have Cocorosie on repeat; loud; and my window open with a cool breeze and a clear blue sky. If I could capture this moment in a jar I would. And as much as I love it I don't wish for things to stay like this because I am ready for change and ready for better skies.